Wednesday, February 24, 2010

By The Time You Read This...

I might be dead. Well, kidding...but if I'm not dead, I will at least be dead to the world for a while. You see, I'm not the best sleeper in the world and I can't ever fall asleep on my own at a reasonable hour. As such, I sometimes take an over the counter sleep med (at the direction of my doctor) to help me fall sleep. I also have a ridiculous tolerance for certain types of medication, which means that the regular dosage never works for me. So, I always take double the amount on the label (again, at the direction of my doctor).

Now, this doesn't usually present a problem unless you forget that you already took the medicine and then take a second dose. The best part is that I'm not actually sure if I did take it twice. I might have, but it's really anybody's guess at this point. Yes, I am that dumb. Mr. Chick has officially declared me an idiot and keeps taking my pulse to make sure I haven't died without realizing it.

Seriously, I'm not really sure how I don't fall down more. I better go lie down before I hurt myself.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Well, Now I'm Just Phoning It In...

because I received another award. I haven't even had my gown from the last ceremony drycleaned yet and here we are again! The lovely EllaBellaMozzarella and Thirty: Owning Up To Being Grown Up (love that blog title!) gifted me with this:

So, thank you ladies and also, thanks to the little people everywhere.

Now, I know this award has rules and I'm supposed to pass it on and link all over the place etcetera, but since I admitted that I'm a stingy rebel when I got the Sunshine Award, I will now confess that I am also lazy. As such, in lieu of following the rules, I'm gifting this award to anyone that lands here that has never been given an award for their blog. Anyone who has the nerve to spew their guts on the internet is a Beautiful Blogger in my book.

Monday, February 22, 2010

It's a Major Award!

Well, maybe not, but I'm kind of excited about it! I was gifted with the lovely Sunshine Award by Three Pugs & A Baby.

I confess that I'm not really that familiar with these awards, so I'll do my best to not screw this up.

The first rule of the sunshine award is to put the logo in a post on my blog and link back to the blogger who gave it to me. So, check.

Next, I'm supposed to bestow the award on other deserving bloggers and link to them on my blog. So, without further ado, I give you:

Ladies, I salute you and send you some sunshine.

I'm probably supposed to include more than six people, but I'm a rebel and also stingy. And, I sincerely hope I did this post right because I seriously had to look back at Three Pugs & a Baby like 20 times for the instructions. Yes girls, I am that much of a loser. My apologies to the board of directors of the Sunshine Award for any unintended recipient faux pas.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Look, I Wrote Something Important!

Apparently, I totally missed the fact that an article I wrote was featured at the lovely and fabulous Lady Bloggers Society yesterday. Here it is. Quick, go read it!
Friday, February 19, 2010

Random Friday Thoughts

1 - The other night, Lily and I were hanging out in a Chinese takeout place waiting for our food. After we'd been waiting a few minutes, a fairly unassuming guy walked in and sat down at a table right behind us. Apparently I looked like I was in a talkative mood, because he immediately started chatting me up. He was slurring his words pretty badly, so I looked back and realized that he was totally wasted out of his mind. He started slurring to me about his newborn preemie daughter and when I looked back to ask him her name, he was chugging from a tiny bottle of Jaegermeister. Nice. The daughter's name? Star Destiny. I'm pretty sure he picked that name after one too many shots of Jaeger, but that's just a guess. I mumbled something like "Oh, that's nice" while the bitch in my head thought "Well, she's all set for a career in the pornographic arts." Poor kid.

2 - Who saw the Men's Figure Skating final on the Olympcs last night? If you didn't, Evan Lysacek totally rocked the house and won the gold medal. Today, silver medalist Yevgeny Plushenko is talking trash about Lysacek, saying he shouldn't have won because he didn't do any quadruple jumps. Whatever douchebag, you lost, suck it up and quit being a crybaby. Also, cram it in your cramhole.

3 - Speaking of Evan Lysacek, on the final spin of his excellent performance, one section of his hair broke free from his gel helmet and was sticking up all Ed Grimley like. It was a long spin too. I just kept thinking that the poor guy is going to have to witness his bad hair moment every time he wants to relive his triumph. Of course, then he'll remember that assbag Yevgeny Plushenko still rocks a mullet, so nobody's having as bad a hair day as he does Every. Single. Day. And then he'll look at his sweet gold medal and feel even better. And then he'll get into his Ferrari that he bought with all of his piles of endorsement cash and he'll feel even better still.

4 - This morning as I was getting ready for work, I was watching the local news and saw a story about a driver that ran their SUV right into a house last night. The house is vacant, so thankfully nobody was hurt. The driver was nowhere to be found when the police arrived and I'm thinking it's a good possibility that the driver was drunk. Drunk people always seem to walk away uninjured from accidents like this, they are surprisingly bendy. Well, here's the thing stupid and possibly drunk SUV driver! They have these newfangled things called license plates which can lead the police right to you! I know, crazy right? I never would have thought of that either! Too bad for you, dumbass.

5 - This weekend promises to be a nice mix of activity and relaxation for Casa de Chick. Tonight, Violet is going to a school dance and I'm going to try to not remember the things I did at school dances. Tomorrow, I'm running in a 5K race to celebrate Thomas Edison and the invention of the light bulb, because hey, why the heck not? I'm hoping my wonky knee holds out. Sunday is brunch with some family that's visiting from up north. Hmm, maybe I won't be relaxing quite as much as I thought. What are you doing this weekend? While you're at it, celebrate some light bulbs. All the cool kids are doing it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Angst Schmangst

Violet is killing me with the angsty hormonal tween act. Everything and I do mean everything becomes a huge ordeal with her that can only be remedied by dissolving into tears and informing everyone within earshot that her life, it is terrible. Apparently, we are affronting her very being by even daring to breathe in her general direction.

Remember when I said we were going to have a family day last Sunday? We decided to be spontaneous and as a last minute surprise, took the girls to Busch freakin' Gardens. You would think that it would be impossible for a kid to have a shitty time at a theme park. Well, you would be wrong. Violet spent the day arguing with everybody, then sighing and rolling her eyes about the injustice of it all. Parenting would be a lot more satisfying if when your kids are acting like an ass, it was considered acceptable to turn to them and say "You're acting like an ass."

It doesn't help that my own mother just laughs knowingly when she witnesses Violet's angsty antics. She loves to remind me that I hated her between the ages of 12 and 18. When I was 16, my mom took me on a trip to Jamaica. Asshole teenager that I was, I remember that I wanted to be anywhere in the world but in Jamaica with my mother. So I spent the next seven days acting like a total asshat.

I also remember that when we got back from Jamaica, my mom was so horrified by my unappreciative behavior that she made me see a family counselor with her. The counselor listened to her story about the Jamaica trip and declared me to be a normal teenager. Then he asked my mom to make another appointment so the two of them could talk through some of her "issues." I drove my own mother crazy.

Oh karma, you're such a bitch.
Monday, February 15, 2010

It's a Sickness, Really

I seriously despise clutter. I know that there are those that love "stuff" and feel soothed by having everything they've ever owned within an arm's reach. I am not one of those people. When I cleaned out our garage last summer, the sum total of my 31 years fit neatly into one smallish sized Rubbermaid bin. (My husband on the other hand, required two large sized bins and that's only because that's all I would allow. We actually got into a fight over his old high school wrestling singlet. Like he was ever again going to squeeze into the damn thing and put someone in a full nelson, but I digress.)

Anyway, as evidence of my distaste for all things clutterous, I give you the barren landscape of my kitchen counters:

As you can see, there are only two things that live on my countertop. One (the knife block) is utilitarian, because I actually need to use knives now and again. The other (an antique wooden box with drawers) belonged to my mother-in-law, an avid collector of old stuff antiques. She passed away five years ago this past January, and it's nice to have a few things around the house to remember her by (although we shall never make mention of the old chamber pot that we also inherited, which looked lovely in her living room, but lives in a closet here at our house).

Anyway, back to my clutter diversion. When we put our house on the market last year, it took me exactly five minutes to "stage" our home for showings and said "staging" involved getting rid of some refrigerator magnets and putting away a couple old old family photos. I've been known to "accidentally" get rid of things around the house that people were "still using", like the time I threw out my husband's school report card collection. He was none to pleased, but did he really need to have a written record of the fact that he won the Good Citizenship award in second grade? He would surely disagree but I, on the otherhand, think not. I'm also one of those annoying people that's picking your glass up and putting it in the sink while you're still drinking out of it.

The one exception to my fervent desire to make our home a confirmed NO CLUTTER zone is this:

Just what is that, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. That is every spare electrical cord, adapter, charger, etcetera that has ever made it's way past my doorstep. The bin contains not one, not two, but THREE telephones (two cordless, one old school Conair phone), an old video camera and every other electrical cord and charger known to man. I really don't know why I can't get rid of them, but I just can't. Look, I know it's crazy. I know, okay - you don't have to laugh like that.

But, consider this, my friends. What if one day someone...let's say, Brad Pitt (this is will be after he kicks that skanky hobag Angelina to the curb, of course) comes knocking on my door and he is in desperate need of a charger for his circa 1996 Motorola flip phone? I'll totally be the one laughing then you guys, I just know it.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Apparently, I'm a Joiner...

The other day, I joined this group:

Usually, I'm not much for joining things. I do enjoy, however, a good grassroots efforts as much as the next girl. The purpose of the Lady Bloggers Society is to give women bloggers a place to network, share ideas and support each other. I'm excited to see this new group grow and take shape. Go check out their new page and if you're so inclined, join the ranks of the best new group in the blogosphere.

Random Friday Thoughts

1 - You know, it really is amazing that any of us outlive childhood. Kids do some stupid stuff. I had a friend when I was a kid who had a big scar on her hand from where she got burned playing "Mr. Fix It" with a bobby pin and a light socket. I myself have a wicked scar under my chin from where I was riding my bike with no hands and when I inevitably biffed it and fell off, I decided to catch my fall with my chin. And just this week I caught Lily trying to open a tin can with a knife. But wait. That's not even the best part. The best part is that she was trying to open a tin can with a knife while standing on a soccer ball. Yep, that's my kid.

2 - We recently celebrated Groundhog Day, which is probably one of the more useless holidays in a calendar year. Seriously, what moron thought it was a good idea to pull a fat mouse out of a hole to predict the weather? Mr. Chick was telling me the other day that he was watching a news story the other day about Punxsatawney Phil, the famous groundhog from Punxsatawney, PA . Apparently, fans of Phil believed that it's been the same exact groundhog that has been predicting the weather for 120+ years. Riiiigght. Anyway, the news story was about how fans of Phil had been let in on the little secret that there have actually been a plethora of Phils, and he was not in fact, original. And the Phil fans were pissed. Why this story was remotely newsworthy is beyond me, but whatever people, go cry to the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.

3 - When hubs and I were in Los Angeles a few months ago, I noticed that there are a ton of restaurants and stores with the word "Bar" in the title. Not like "Bar & Grill" but just plain old "Bar" - like that was supposed to be more upscale or something. In the three days we were there, we ate at a Bread Bar and a Sushi Bar and shopped at Beauty Bar. I'm convinced I could move to LA, open a restaurant named "Crap Bar" and make a ton of money.

4 - I took the day off work today and went to the movies all by myself. People, it was glorious. Nobody needed me to take them to the bathroom, nobody needed one last thing from the snack bar, there was no arguing over who sat where. I just sat and watched the movie and when it was over, I got up and left. Hubs thinks it's strange when I go to the movies alone. I say it was one of the best days I've had in a while. I saw Dear John which I thought was pretty good, and hits the spot nicely if you're in the mood for a good chick flick. If you've never gone to the movies alone, try it, it's nice.

5 - I am officially declaring this Sunday Family Fun Day and when it's Family Fun Day, participation by all members of our nuclear family is required. The girls still get excited about these days, but I'm well aware that we are fast approaching a time when I will be met with sighs and eyerolls when I suggest a day of family togetherness. For now, I'll enjoy it while I can. Previous Family Fun Days have included theme parks, mini golf, the beach, etc. Since the weather this Sunday is supposed to be rainy, I need an indoor activity. I already know that I'm going to make a chocolate fondue, which I'm totally stealing from Tina of Florida Girl Meets the Midwest. But that won't fill an entire day. If you could have a Family Fun Day, what would you do?

Lovely weekend wishes to all!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Case of The Three-Legged Bunny

As I was going through Lily's school papers today, I came across this:

Unfortunately, Lily was still at school when I discovered the little masterpiece, so I had to wait all day to ask her about it. I couldn't even begin to fathom what the assignment had actually been. The drawing sat on my kitchen counter all day and by the time school let out, I was dying to know just what in the hell it is they're teaching my kid over at that school that would warrant a bunny homicide.

When I asked Lily what kind of assignment it was that produced the little gem of a sketch, she said that her teacher told the class to draw something that was "on it's last legs." This actually makes sense to me, as her class is spending a lot of time this year learning different expressions and sayings, like "on it's last legs" and "frog in your throat" and "piss like a racehorse." Well, maybe they're not really learning that last one. That's just my personal favorite.

Now, I love that she felt compelled to make sure that everyone that looks at this drawing realizes that they are in fact looking at not just a bunny, but a dead bunny. The words "Dead Bunny" scrawled next to the carcass pretty much give that away. And props for also making sure we know the bunny is bleeding by noting "That's blood" at the bottom. Heaven forbid we confuse the blood for some other bunny body fluids. Points off though, for not actually following the assignment, as this poor bunny clearly saw its last leg quite some time ago.

When I inquired as to why the dead bunny had just three legs, Lily said that when her teacher gave the assigment, she actually thought she said to draw something "without it's last leg." Hence, we got a three-legged bunny. Once she realized that the bunny was supposed to be "on it's last leg" she went ahead and killed the pathetic little guy.

That means the killer was Lily, in the classroom, with a pencil. Mystery solved.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Where the Hell is My Stress Ball?

Due to various recent events, I've been dealing with my fair share of stress as of late. I'm a pretty intense person, and when I get stressed, I get bitchy. The other day, Mr. Chick did something that pissed me off and I actually envisaged putting him in a headlock. I've also developed a new habit of calling every other driver on the road who irritates me a fucking fuckbag fuckstick (I'm nothing if not eloquent, no?). As charming as all of these lovely habits are, I figured that maybe it's time to try some stress relief techniques.

The first problem there is that I don't actually know any stress relief techniques. So of course, I decided to do what any self-respecting blogger/social media maven would do. I Googled it. Many of the "techniques" I found seemed to be things that would be fairly simple to do...unless you're me.

Here's a run-down of some of the stress relieving tips I came across in my research:

1 - Breathing exercises: Well, hmm. I'm probably the only person in the world to ever totally fail Lamaze class. When I was pregnant with Violet, I waddled in to class with my pillow and laid around with the other beached whales, but absolutely refused to do the patented "hee hee hoo" breathing. (It was kind of like the time I failed Biology because I refused to dissect a fetal pig because ew, that's just gross.) Actually, Violet was born three weeks early so I never actually finished the class. I guess that makes me more of a Lamaze drop out. Then, thanks to five months of bed rest while pregnant with Lily, I again found myself in labor (without any drugs or epidurals thankyouverymuch), with nary a breathing skill to be found. So, I came up with my own system of breathing that involved breathing in and blowing out fast and long. This plan resulted in my face going totally numb so yeah, that was a fun time. Clearly, I won't be taking up the breathing exercises any time soon. Next!

2 - Play with a pet: You guys. My dog is the LAZIEST dog in America, and possibly the world. Her hobbies consist of lounging on her bed, lounging on the the couch and if she's feeling up to it, lounging on the chair. One time I got all ambitious and took her for a walk and about 1/4 mile into the "walk" she laid down in the middle of the street and refused to go any further. I had to pick the little jerk up and carry her home. Not long ago, she ate a chicken wing bone and when we Googled to find a list of bad symptoms we should look for, it said to call the vet if the dog becomes listless and lethargic. Mr. Chick and I just looked at each other and laughed since she spends her entire life both listless and lethargic. (Well, not unless you count the times when she humps her boyfriend Clifford, a stuffed big red dog that's as big as she is. She thinks he is H-A-W-T.) Anyway, this dog does not "play". Next!

3 - Yoga: The other day, my mom gave me a 20 minute stress relief yoga video. I've never really been much of a yoga fan, but I decided to give it a whirl anyway. I then spent the next twenty minutes trying like hell to rub out the charley horse that I got as a result of a stupid downward dog, which doesn't look anything like a dog. I'm thinking the only way that damn video is going to provide any stress relief is if it includes vodka shots during the cool down. Next!

4 - Crying: Several of the sites I found had entire sections devoted to the cleansing qualities of a good cry. Whatever, I don't cry for fun. Next!

5 - Stress relief games: I came across this site, (Dear Your name is stupid. Love, Mother Chick) that one would think has something to do with making or selling balls. But nope, they don't. They publish a stress relief website. Anyway, one section of their site is devoted to a "stress relieving" computer game. The object of said game is to shoot happy faces with a paintball gun. This might not seem so bad until you really think about it. First of all, why does a stress relief game involve any kind of weapon, let alone a gun? And why is the game set in an office building, where guns clearly do not belong like, ever? The best part is that when you inevitably lose because the game itself sucks ass and the happy faces disappear before you can aim at them, a message pops up that says "Oh dear, you didn't shoot well enough for the next round!" Man, I love a good old passive aggressive stress reliever, especially when it basically calls me a loser at the end. Next!

Feel free though, to use any of these totally shitty super helpful tips the next time you feel compelled to put someone in a headlock or call them a fucking fuckbag fuckstick. I've resorted to making frequent visits to my happy place, which is on my couch with a glass of wine. But only when I can get the dog to move, of course.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me...

So, wow. I am pretty terrible at accepting compliments and praise so I will do my best here and hope that I don't come off sounding like a total doucheface. I am beyond humbled that the lovely Lee of Triple H fame thought enough of my little corner of the internet to actually link to me in one of her posts. If you're visiting from Lee, welcome! And to the whole ten of you who were already coming here regularly, thank you thank you thank you to you too.

My mom asked me not too long ago why I blog and tweet to which I replied "I'll have you know that TENS of people follow me on the internet and are interested in what I have to say!" Alas, she was not impressed. Just wait until I tell her though, that now (thanks to Lee), TWENTIES of people are following me on the internet.

I write things here for no other reason than 1) I like to write and 2) I crack myself up on a pretty regular basis. To see that others actually think I'm kind of funny too is mind boggling to me. To actually have people say I'm a pretty good writer just leaves me speechless.

Lee, thank you for thinking enough of me to send your readers my way. I will certainly follow your lead and pay it forward if I'm ever so big a rock star as you, my dear.