Tuesday, September 14, 2010

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

You know how your life goes along and pretty much looks the same for a really long time; like for years at a time? You live in the same place, you have the same job, your routine stays the same, and so on.

Well, I quit my job in June and it's been one big ball of emotional upheaval around here ever since. I'm definitely not saying that I think I made the wrong decision, but I never realized how much I identified who I was with what I did for a living. I'm sure there are some people who would roll their eyes at that and think "It's just a job, get over yourself" at that statement. While it may be true that a job is just a job, I happen to really like working and to like being really good at my job.

I actually quit to partner with my mom in her business and I now realize that that little plan had disaster written all over it from the very beginning. I love my mother, I do...but it turns out that I don't like being her co-worker. One of our first official business partner-y things was a week long business trip to the Northeast. I'm telling you, you haven't lived until you've driven a roller skate of a rental car through Man-freaking-hattan with your mother in the passenger seat doing her best backseat driver impression. Follow that up with a road trip through Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont and New Hampshire and she almost didn't make it back from that business trip. It makes my eye twitch thinking about it now.

Since that didn't work out, I've been doing a little consulting work and trying to do my best impression of a stay at home mom (which is not a good one). The thing is, I'm a fairly social creature, so I need interaction with other people to stay sane. With Violet and Lily at school all day, I find myself alone for most of the day. As such, I now chatter incessantly at Mr. Chick as soon as he walks in the door from work . He's been mostly good about it, but his eyes do start to glaze over when I regale him with tales of organizing the hall closet or my fun trips to the grocery store.

I recently accepted a new job, which I'll start in October. The pay is great, the perks are great, the company is great. The only (really small) drawback is that I'll be working from home, because the company is located about two hours from where I live. I'm sure most people would think this is a pretty sweet set up, I've just never preferred the home office set up. It's not a dealbreaker by any stretch of the imagination, but I still won't be getting any in person human interaction on a regular basis.

Oh well, at least when I pounce on Mr. Chick when he walks in the door from work, I can talk about how I forgot the cover sheet on my TPS Report that day. That's way more interesting than groceries, right?
Thursday, September 9, 2010

Well, That Was A Long Break...

Apparently, I have the attention span of a gnat. That is, if you judge by the fact that I haven't even looked at this here blog in what, six months?

That said, a six month break has given me some perspective on what I really want to get out of blogging. I started this blog to have a little corner of the internet where I could publish whatever I wanted, even if it sucked. I didn't intend to care about how many people read it, how many followers I had, etc.

I found myself, however, quickly getting caught up in all of those things - which resulted in my investing what I felt was way too much time and energy on things that were ultimately unimportant in the grand scheme of my life. I didn't like looking at all things that were happening to see how I could spin them into a blog post.

So, I've decided to reclaim my little corner of the internet, and use it for that which I originally intended. I'm going to post what I want, when I feel like it, and not worry about comments, followers and the like. Here's to being a casual and lazy blogger.

More posts soon...or maybe not.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Random Friday Thoughts, Tuesday Edition

Since I missed last week's installment of Random Friday Thoughts, I figure why not have a Tuesday edition? Also, I have a lot going on and as a result, can barely string together two coherent sentences, so Random Friday Thoughts on Tuesday it is. But first, rest assured that I made it through the Sleeping Pill Incident unscathed...I don't think I actually took a double dose. Mr. Chick woke me up every hour all night anyway, to make sure I didn't accidentally die in my sleep. That was a fun time. Now for Random Friday Thoughts:

1 - Violet broke her cell phone again, resulting in our second cell phone insurance claim within 6 months. (Side note: If you have kids with cell phones, get the insurance, it is SO worth it.)Anyway, her phone is dead because she dropped it so many times the charging port came loose and now the battery won't charge. Today I went online to file a claim only to find out that they no longer make her cell phone model. Therefore, they're going to replace it with a "comparable model." The "comparable model" is the phone she's been wanting for months. Just where is the lesson in that, I ask you? I'm making her pay the deductible out of her allowance money, but still...gah.

2 - Speaking of cell phones, Lily has been wanting a cell phone ever since Violet got one when she was ten. Lily is lobbying hard for a phone and I have been resistant because I just feel that eight is too young, and she's not responsible enough yet. Now, in some ways she's more responsible than Violet (see #1 for an example). As another example, Lily saves her money like a champ while Violet spends her cash as soon as it hits her hot little hands. Over the summer, she saved up $200 through a combination of allowance, birthday money and doing odd jobs in order to replace her broken Nintendo DS. I refused to buy her a new one after she thought it was a good idea to play with her old one while in the shower. She saved all summer and not only bought a new one, she bought a better one - a Nintendo DSi. I have no idea why that's better but I know it was double the price of the original. Right now, she's $113 saved up and just as I was typing this, she came and asked if she saved enough, could she please buy a phone. Then she proceeded to show me yearbook pictures of everyone in her class that has a cell phone. Am I being too old fashioned? Eight just seems pretty young to me.

3 - Did you hear that Nasa scientists are saying that the recent Chilean earthquake knocked the earth off it's axis, thus making our days shorter? Granted, it's only a couple of milliseconds but when there already aren't enough hours in the day for me to get things done, every millisecond counts.

4 - I can't wait for summer vacation. This week alone I've had to assist with making an ocean habitat in a shoebox, a book report in the form of a clay sculpture and a painted T-shirt for the P.E. Olympics. I get that parents need to be involved in the education of their children, but I'm tired of homework. I'm also tired of the 8:00 PM "Oh wait Mom, I forgot that I need __________________ for school tomorrow." Like last night, when the _________________ was twenty full size Hershey bars and I had to make a last minute run to the store so Lily's class can learn fractions. How is it that I always seem to end up with homework during the school year?

5 - I am really sick of soccer. The girls have been playing soccer non-stop for over two years now. We go from Fall soccer, to All Star soccer, to 3v3 tournament soccer, to middle school soccer, to Spring soccer, back to 3v3 tournament soccer, back to Fall get the idea. Mr. Chick has decided to coach Lily's Spring soccer team, which starts in a few weeks. That means in a few weeks both girls will be on TWO soccer teams apiece, and Mr. Chick will be coaching. Good times. I am not just a soccer mom, I am the soccer mom. Kill me now.

6 - I've been a bad blog friend. Do you ever have something going on in your life that is so big, it takes up all of your time and mental energy? Yeah, that's me right now. It's nothing bad and will all turn out well in the end (at least that's what I'm telling myself) and I promise I'll be a better blogger/comment leaver soon. I have a post coming up tomorrow where I expound on Nazi skinheads and Walt Disney World. You're riveted, I know.

I hope you have enjoyed this Tuesday installment of Random Friday Thoughts.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010

By The Time You Read This...

I might be dead. Well, kidding...but if I'm not dead, I will at least be dead to the world for a while. You see, I'm not the best sleeper in the world and I can't ever fall asleep on my own at a reasonable hour. As such, I sometimes take an over the counter sleep med (at the direction of my doctor) to help me fall sleep. I also have a ridiculous tolerance for certain types of medication, which means that the regular dosage never works for me. So, I always take double the amount on the label (again, at the direction of my doctor).

Now, this doesn't usually present a problem unless you forget that you already took the medicine and then take a second dose. The best part is that I'm not actually sure if I did take it twice. I might have, but it's really anybody's guess at this point. Yes, I am that dumb. Mr. Chick has officially declared me an idiot and keeps taking my pulse to make sure I haven't died without realizing it.

Seriously, I'm not really sure how I don't fall down more. I better go lie down before I hurt myself.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Well, Now I'm Just Phoning It In...

because I received another award. I haven't even had my gown from the last ceremony drycleaned yet and here we are again! The lovely EllaBellaMozzarella and Thirty: Owning Up To Being Grown Up (love that blog title!) gifted me with this:

So, thank you ladies and also, thanks to the little people everywhere.

Now, I know this award has rules and I'm supposed to pass it on and link all over the place etcetera, but since I admitted that I'm a stingy rebel when I got the Sunshine Award, I will now confess that I am also lazy. As such, in lieu of following the rules, I'm gifting this award to anyone that lands here that has never been given an award for their blog. Anyone who has the nerve to spew their guts on the internet is a Beautiful Blogger in my book.

Monday, February 22, 2010

It's a Major Award!

Well, maybe not, but I'm kind of excited about it! I was gifted with the lovely Sunshine Award by Three Pugs & A Baby.

I confess that I'm not really that familiar with these awards, so I'll do my best to not screw this up.

The first rule of the sunshine award is to put the logo in a post on my blog and link back to the blogger who gave it to me. So, check.

Next, I'm supposed to bestow the award on other deserving bloggers and link to them on my blog. So, without further ado, I give you:

Ladies, I salute you and send you some sunshine.

I'm probably supposed to include more than six people, but I'm a rebel and also stingy. And, I sincerely hope I did this post right because I seriously had to look back at Three Pugs & a Baby like 20 times for the instructions. Yes girls, I am that much of a loser. My apologies to the board of directors of the Sunshine Award for any unintended recipient faux pas.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Look, I Wrote Something Important!

Apparently, I totally missed the fact that an article I wrote was featured at the lovely and fabulous Lady Bloggers Society yesterday. Here it is. Quick, go read it!
Friday, February 19, 2010

Random Friday Thoughts

1 - The other night, Lily and I were hanging out in a Chinese takeout place waiting for our food. After we'd been waiting a few minutes, a fairly unassuming guy walked in and sat down at a table right behind us. Apparently I looked like I was in a talkative mood, because he immediately started chatting me up. He was slurring his words pretty badly, so I looked back and realized that he was totally wasted out of his mind. He started slurring to me about his newborn preemie daughter and when I looked back to ask him her name, he was chugging from a tiny bottle of Jaegermeister. Nice. The daughter's name? Star Destiny. I'm pretty sure he picked that name after one too many shots of Jaeger, but that's just a guess. I mumbled something like "Oh, that's nice" while the bitch in my head thought "Well, she's all set for a career in the pornographic arts." Poor kid.

2 - Who saw the Men's Figure Skating final on the Olympcs last night? If you didn't, Evan Lysacek totally rocked the house and won the gold medal. Today, silver medalist Yevgeny Plushenko is talking trash about Lysacek, saying he shouldn't have won because he didn't do any quadruple jumps. Whatever douchebag, you lost, suck it up and quit being a crybaby. Also, cram it in your cramhole.

3 - Speaking of Evan Lysacek, on the final spin of his excellent performance, one section of his hair broke free from his gel helmet and was sticking up all Ed Grimley like. It was a long spin too. I just kept thinking that the poor guy is going to have to witness his bad hair moment every time he wants to relive his triumph. Of course, then he'll remember that assbag Yevgeny Plushenko still rocks a mullet, so nobody's having as bad a hair day as he does Every. Single. Day. And then he'll look at his sweet gold medal and feel even better. And then he'll get into his Ferrari that he bought with all of his piles of endorsement cash and he'll feel even better still.

4 - This morning as I was getting ready for work, I was watching the local news and saw a story about a driver that ran their SUV right into a house last night. The house is vacant, so thankfully nobody was hurt. The driver was nowhere to be found when the police arrived and I'm thinking it's a good possibility that the driver was drunk. Drunk people always seem to walk away uninjured from accidents like this, they are surprisingly bendy. Well, here's the thing stupid and possibly drunk SUV driver! They have these newfangled things called license plates which can lead the police right to you! I know, crazy right? I never would have thought of that either! Too bad for you, dumbass.

5 - This weekend promises to be a nice mix of activity and relaxation for Casa de Chick. Tonight, Violet is going to a school dance and I'm going to try to not remember the things I did at school dances. Tomorrow, I'm running in a 5K race to celebrate Thomas Edison and the invention of the light bulb, because hey, why the heck not? I'm hoping my wonky knee holds out. Sunday is brunch with some family that's visiting from up north. Hmm, maybe I won't be relaxing quite as much as I thought. What are you doing this weekend? While you're at it, celebrate some light bulbs. All the cool kids are doing it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Angst Schmangst

Violet is killing me with the angsty hormonal tween act. Everything and I do mean everything becomes a huge ordeal with her that can only be remedied by dissolving into tears and informing everyone within earshot that her life, it is terrible. Apparently, we are affronting her very being by even daring to breathe in her general direction.

Remember when I said we were going to have a family day last Sunday? We decided to be spontaneous and as a last minute surprise, took the girls to Busch freakin' Gardens. You would think that it would be impossible for a kid to have a shitty time at a theme park. Well, you would be wrong. Violet spent the day arguing with everybody, then sighing and rolling her eyes about the injustice of it all. Parenting would be a lot more satisfying if when your kids are acting like an ass, it was considered acceptable to turn to them and say "You're acting like an ass."

It doesn't help that my own mother just laughs knowingly when she witnesses Violet's angsty antics. She loves to remind me that I hated her between the ages of 12 and 18. When I was 16, my mom took me on a trip to Jamaica. Asshole teenager that I was, I remember that I wanted to be anywhere in the world but in Jamaica with my mother. So I spent the next seven days acting like a total asshat.

I also remember that when we got back from Jamaica, my mom was so horrified by my unappreciative behavior that she made me see a family counselor with her. The counselor listened to her story about the Jamaica trip and declared me to be a normal teenager. Then he asked my mom to make another appointment so the two of them could talk through some of her "issues." I drove my own mother crazy.

Oh karma, you're such a bitch.
Monday, February 15, 2010

It's a Sickness, Really

I seriously despise clutter. I know that there are those that love "stuff" and feel soothed by having everything they've ever owned within an arm's reach. I am not one of those people. When I cleaned out our garage last summer, the sum total of my 31 years fit neatly into one smallish sized Rubbermaid bin. (My husband on the other hand, required two large sized bins and that's only because that's all I would allow. We actually got into a fight over his old high school wrestling singlet. Like he was ever again going to squeeze into the damn thing and put someone in a full nelson, but I digress.)

Anyway, as evidence of my distaste for all things clutterous, I give you the barren landscape of my kitchen counters:

As you can see, there are only two things that live on my countertop. One (the knife block) is utilitarian, because I actually need to use knives now and again. The other (an antique wooden box with drawers) belonged to my mother-in-law, an avid collector of old stuff antiques. She passed away five years ago this past January, and it's nice to have a few things around the house to remember her by (although we shall never make mention of the old chamber pot that we also inherited, which looked lovely in her living room, but lives in a closet here at our house).

Anyway, back to my clutter diversion. When we put our house on the market last year, it took me exactly five minutes to "stage" our home for showings and said "staging" involved getting rid of some refrigerator magnets and putting away a couple old old family photos. I've been known to "accidentally" get rid of things around the house that people were "still using", like the time I threw out my husband's school report card collection. He was none to pleased, but did he really need to have a written record of the fact that he won the Good Citizenship award in second grade? He would surely disagree but I, on the otherhand, think not. I'm also one of those annoying people that's picking your glass up and putting it in the sink while you're still drinking out of it.

The one exception to my fervent desire to make our home a confirmed NO CLUTTER zone is this:

Just what is that, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. That is every spare electrical cord, adapter, charger, etcetera that has ever made it's way past my doorstep. The bin contains not one, not two, but THREE telephones (two cordless, one old school Conair phone), an old video camera and every other electrical cord and charger known to man. I really don't know why I can't get rid of them, but I just can't. Look, I know it's crazy. I know, okay - you don't have to laugh like that.

But, consider this, my friends. What if one day someone...let's say, Brad Pitt (this is will be after he kicks that skanky hobag Angelina to the curb, of course) comes knocking on my door and he is in desperate need of a charger for his circa 1996 Motorola flip phone? I'll totally be the one laughing then you guys, I just know it.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Apparently, I'm a Joiner...

The other day, I joined this group:

Usually, I'm not much for joining things. I do enjoy, however, a good grassroots efforts as much as the next girl. The purpose of the Lady Bloggers Society is to give women bloggers a place to network, share ideas and support each other. I'm excited to see this new group grow and take shape. Go check out their new page and if you're so inclined, join the ranks of the best new group in the blogosphere.

Random Friday Thoughts

1 - You know, it really is amazing that any of us outlive childhood. Kids do some stupid stuff. I had a friend when I was a kid who had a big scar on her hand from where she got burned playing "Mr. Fix It" with a bobby pin and a light socket. I myself have a wicked scar under my chin from where I was riding my bike with no hands and when I inevitably biffed it and fell off, I decided to catch my fall with my chin. And just this week I caught Lily trying to open a tin can with a knife. But wait. That's not even the best part. The best part is that she was trying to open a tin can with a knife while standing on a soccer ball. Yep, that's my kid.

2 - We recently celebrated Groundhog Day, which is probably one of the more useless holidays in a calendar year. Seriously, what moron thought it was a good idea to pull a fat mouse out of a hole to predict the weather? Mr. Chick was telling me the other day that he was watching a news story the other day about Punxsatawney Phil, the famous groundhog from Punxsatawney, PA . Apparently, fans of Phil believed that it's been the same exact groundhog that has been predicting the weather for 120+ years. Riiiigght. Anyway, the news story was about how fans of Phil had been let in on the little secret that there have actually been a plethora of Phils, and he was not in fact, original. And the Phil fans were pissed. Why this story was remotely newsworthy is beyond me, but whatever people, go cry to the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.

3 - When hubs and I were in Los Angeles a few months ago, I noticed that there are a ton of restaurants and stores with the word "Bar" in the title. Not like "Bar & Grill" but just plain old "Bar" - like that was supposed to be more upscale or something. In the three days we were there, we ate at a Bread Bar and a Sushi Bar and shopped at Beauty Bar. I'm convinced I could move to LA, open a restaurant named "Crap Bar" and make a ton of money.

4 - I took the day off work today and went to the movies all by myself. People, it was glorious. Nobody needed me to take them to the bathroom, nobody needed one last thing from the snack bar, there was no arguing over who sat where. I just sat and watched the movie and when it was over, I got up and left. Hubs thinks it's strange when I go to the movies alone. I say it was one of the best days I've had in a while. I saw Dear John which I thought was pretty good, and hits the spot nicely if you're in the mood for a good chick flick. If you've never gone to the movies alone, try it, it's nice.

5 - I am officially declaring this Sunday Family Fun Day and when it's Family Fun Day, participation by all members of our nuclear family is required. The girls still get excited about these days, but I'm well aware that we are fast approaching a time when I will be met with sighs and eyerolls when I suggest a day of family togetherness. For now, I'll enjoy it while I can. Previous Family Fun Days have included theme parks, mini golf, the beach, etc. Since the weather this Sunday is supposed to be rainy, I need an indoor activity. I already know that I'm going to make a chocolate fondue, which I'm totally stealing from Tina of Florida Girl Meets the Midwest. But that won't fill an entire day. If you could have a Family Fun Day, what would you do?

Lovely weekend wishes to all!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Case of The Three-Legged Bunny

As I was going through Lily's school papers today, I came across this:

Unfortunately, Lily was still at school when I discovered the little masterpiece, so I had to wait all day to ask her about it. I couldn't even begin to fathom what the assignment had actually been. The drawing sat on my kitchen counter all day and by the time school let out, I was dying to know just what in the hell it is they're teaching my kid over at that school that would warrant a bunny homicide.

When I asked Lily what kind of assignment it was that produced the little gem of a sketch, she said that her teacher told the class to draw something that was "on it's last legs." This actually makes sense to me, as her class is spending a lot of time this year learning different expressions and sayings, like "on it's last legs" and "frog in your throat" and "piss like a racehorse." Well, maybe they're not really learning that last one. That's just my personal favorite.

Now, I love that she felt compelled to make sure that everyone that looks at this drawing realizes that they are in fact looking at not just a bunny, but a dead bunny. The words "Dead Bunny" scrawled next to the carcass pretty much give that away. And props for also making sure we know the bunny is bleeding by noting "That's blood" at the bottom. Heaven forbid we confuse the blood for some other bunny body fluids. Points off though, for not actually following the assignment, as this poor bunny clearly saw its last leg quite some time ago.

When I inquired as to why the dead bunny had just three legs, Lily said that when her teacher gave the assigment, she actually thought she said to draw something "without it's last leg." Hence, we got a three-legged bunny. Once she realized that the bunny was supposed to be "on it's last leg" she went ahead and killed the pathetic little guy.

That means the killer was Lily, in the classroom, with a pencil. Mystery solved.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Where the Hell is My Stress Ball?

Due to various recent events, I've been dealing with my fair share of stress as of late. I'm a pretty intense person, and when I get stressed, I get bitchy. The other day, Mr. Chick did something that pissed me off and I actually envisaged putting him in a headlock. I've also developed a new habit of calling every other driver on the road who irritates me a fucking fuckbag fuckstick (I'm nothing if not eloquent, no?). As charming as all of these lovely habits are, I figured that maybe it's time to try some stress relief techniques.

The first problem there is that I don't actually know any stress relief techniques. So of course, I decided to do what any self-respecting blogger/social media maven would do. I Googled it. Many of the "techniques" I found seemed to be things that would be fairly simple to do...unless you're me.

Here's a run-down of some of the stress relieving tips I came across in my research:

1 - Breathing exercises: Well, hmm. I'm probably the only person in the world to ever totally fail Lamaze class. When I was pregnant with Violet, I waddled in to class with my pillow and laid around with the other beached whales, but absolutely refused to do the patented "hee hee hoo" breathing. (It was kind of like the time I failed Biology because I refused to dissect a fetal pig because ew, that's just gross.) Actually, Violet was born three weeks early so I never actually finished the class. I guess that makes me more of a Lamaze drop out. Then, thanks to five months of bed rest while pregnant with Lily, I again found myself in labor (without any drugs or epidurals thankyouverymuch), with nary a breathing skill to be found. So, I came up with my own system of breathing that involved breathing in and blowing out fast and long. This plan resulted in my face going totally numb so yeah, that was a fun time. Clearly, I won't be taking up the breathing exercises any time soon. Next!

2 - Play with a pet: You guys. My dog is the LAZIEST dog in America, and possibly the world. Her hobbies consist of lounging on her bed, lounging on the the couch and if she's feeling up to it, lounging on the chair. One time I got all ambitious and took her for a walk and about 1/4 mile into the "walk" she laid down in the middle of the street and refused to go any further. I had to pick the little jerk up and carry her home. Not long ago, she ate a chicken wing bone and when we Googled to find a list of bad symptoms we should look for, it said to call the vet if the dog becomes listless and lethargic. Mr. Chick and I just looked at each other and laughed since she spends her entire life both listless and lethargic. (Well, not unless you count the times when she humps her boyfriend Clifford, a stuffed big red dog that's as big as she is. She thinks he is H-A-W-T.) Anyway, this dog does not "play". Next!

3 - Yoga: The other day, my mom gave me a 20 minute stress relief yoga video. I've never really been much of a yoga fan, but I decided to give it a whirl anyway. I then spent the next twenty minutes trying like hell to rub out the charley horse that I got as a result of a stupid downward dog, which doesn't look anything like a dog. I'm thinking the only way that damn video is going to provide any stress relief is if it includes vodka shots during the cool down. Next!

4 - Crying: Several of the sites I found had entire sections devoted to the cleansing qualities of a good cry. Whatever, I don't cry for fun. Next!

5 - Stress relief games: I came across this site, (Dear Your name is stupid. Love, Mother Chick) that one would think has something to do with making or selling balls. But nope, they don't. They publish a stress relief website. Anyway, one section of their site is devoted to a "stress relieving" computer game. The object of said game is to shoot happy faces with a paintball gun. This might not seem so bad until you really think about it. First of all, why does a stress relief game involve any kind of weapon, let alone a gun? And why is the game set in an office building, where guns clearly do not belong like, ever? The best part is that when you inevitably lose because the game itself sucks ass and the happy faces disappear before you can aim at them, a message pops up that says "Oh dear, you didn't shoot well enough for the next round!" Man, I love a good old passive aggressive stress reliever, especially when it basically calls me a loser at the end. Next!

Feel free though, to use any of these totally shitty super helpful tips the next time you feel compelled to put someone in a headlock or call them a fucking fuckbag fuckstick. I've resorted to making frequent visits to my happy place, which is on my couch with a glass of wine. But only when I can get the dog to move, of course.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me...

So, wow. I am pretty terrible at accepting compliments and praise so I will do my best here and hope that I don't come off sounding like a total doucheface. I am beyond humbled that the lovely Lee of Triple H fame thought enough of my little corner of the internet to actually link to me in one of her posts. If you're visiting from Lee, welcome! And to the whole ten of you who were already coming here regularly, thank you thank you thank you to you too.

My mom asked me not too long ago why I blog and tweet to which I replied "I'll have you know that TENS of people follow me on the internet and are interested in what I have to say!" Alas, she was not impressed. Just wait until I tell her though, that now (thanks to Lee), TWENTIES of people are following me on the internet.

I write things here for no other reason than 1) I like to write and 2) I crack myself up on a pretty regular basis. To see that others actually think I'm kind of funny too is mind boggling to me. To actually have people say I'm a pretty good writer just leaves me speechless.

Lee, thank you for thinking enough of me to send your readers my way. I will certainly follow your lead and pay it forward if I'm ever so big a rock star as you, my dear.
Friday, January 29, 2010

Random Friday Thoughts

1 – Yesterday, as I was pulling out of the parking lot of my office building, I noticed that the car in front of me had a vanity license plate. It said “Sweti” which I think was supposed to mean “Sweetie” but really ends up looking like “Sweaty.” Methinks the driver of said car didn’t necessarily think that idea through quite enough.

2 – My knee makes this really gross crinkle crackle noise when I bend it. It’s done that for a really long time, like over a year, but is only just now starting to hurt. Everyone that’s heard it seems to think I need to go to the doctor. I think I’ll take some flaxseed oil and glucosamine and see what’s what. I probably shouldn’t start training for that half marathon I want to run either. It’s only one little knee, right? I have another one!

3 – Violet is quickly becoming the most argumentative member of our household. I swear, I could say “The sky is blue” and she would argue with me about how wrong I am. This is very annoying to someone like me who clearly knows everything about everything. She’s also starting to act all angsty all the time, which is also fun. I do not really like this age, I must say. Nope, not at all.

4 – I am now annoyed because Mr. Chick just called me and is going to be working late tonight executing a search warrant, when we are supposed to be out buying a grill. This might not seem like a big deal, but we are hosting a cookout tomorrow and I threw our old grill away yesterday. Stupid criminals are cramping my style. Quit stealing and get a job, jeez.

5 – I got an email from Lily’s teacher today. Apparently, there is a head lice outbreak in the 3rd grade. A head lice check is an excellent way to start the weekend. I’m looking forward to it immensely. I’m choosing to look on the bright side and be happy that at least there's no soccer tournament this weekend.

Lovely weekend wishes to all!
Thursday, January 28, 2010

It's All Fun and Games Until Mother Chick Rips Your Head Off

Seriously, what is with kids today? Violet called me at work today and was in tears at the after school program. A boy was hitting and pushing her AND calling her a bitch. WTF?

After I popped a vein in my eyeball from the rage, I tore ass out of work and was at school in less than 1o minutes. Luckily, I was wearing my chunky heeled bitch boots, so the counselors could hear me marching up to the school from at least a mile away. It was quite the entrance. I actually felt a little sorry for the counselor when I walked in because she looked pretty scared. Not sorry enough to spare her my wrath though, because there were several problems with today's incident:

1 - Violet called us from her cell phone to report what was going on. In my opinion, a counselor or program director should have called to speak to me. They never did and that's not cool.

2 - Apparently this boy had been pushing and hitting not just Violet but several other kids, several times over the course of several hours. When I asked Violet where the counselors were, she said they were busy playing football. I get that part of their job is to play with the kids, but they are also supposed to supervise them to make sure these kinds of things don't happen, or to stop them quickly when they do.

3 - When I questioned the counselors on what happened, they had no idea that he had actually hit and pushed Violet. Because they didn't realize that he had actual put his hands on my child (because he clearly wants me to remove his eyeballs through his nostrils), they didn't suspend him from the program and send him home. So, they didn't see what happened because they weren't watching, then they didn't research thoroughly enough to get a clear understanding of what actually occurred. As a result, I had to take my kid home to remove her from the situation. What's wrong with that picture?

I definitely have some follow up work to do here, and I will. Part of me wonders if I did the right thing by taking Violet home, because she needs to learn to deal with some of this stuff on her own. I really don't think this was one of those times, though. I wanted her to feel supported and safe and to know that if she is in a situation where she feels threatened, I will do everything in my power to help her. And that it is never okay for someone to treat her like that.

Violet did tell me later that she said to the boy when he hit her "Are your parents proud of you when you act like that?" To which I said, "That was a really good thing to say." while thinking "Next time though, punch him in the mouth."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Doing My Part for Global Diplomacy

The company that I work for is actually pretty big. As in global. In my office alone, we have a fairly large contingent of Ukrainian computer programmers and let me tell you, you have not lived until you've listened to two Ukrainian men argue in Slavic over who forgot to refill the coffeepot after pouring the last cup. Those Ukrainians, they love their coffee fiercely.

Anyway, we sometimes have visitors to our office from our other locations around the world. Today a visitor from one of our Chinese offices, whom we'll call Lisa (did you know that the Chinese all adopt American sounding names for business purposes because they are easier to pronounce? I think this is kind of sad, actually), arrived for a month-long project. Having been pre-selected as the office ambassador prior to Lisa's arrival, the tasks of showing her around the office and taking her out to dinner after work fell to me.

Early in the day, I did some last minute research on Chinese culture to ensure that I didn't do anything to inadvertently offend her. Number one on the list of "Don't Do This To A Chinese Person" was touching. Apparently, the Chinese dislike being touched by strangers. Chinese people and I have that in common, actually. Interestingly enough, when Lisa arrived, the first thing she did was hug me.

My research also said the Chinese don't like to use the word no. If you ask a question they will respond with "Maybe" even if the answer is really no. My research instructed me to do the same, so as not to appear rude. At one point, Lisa asked me if the bathroom was "that way" and pointed in the wrong direction. When I said "Maybe" and pointed the other way, she looked at me like I was maybe smoking a little of the crack.

At dinner, Lisa asked me what I like to do for fun. When I mentioned my daughters and their various extracurricular activities, she said "Oh, you don't look old enough to have a baby, even if you have at age twenty. I am twenty six and have no babies." This is when I remembered that my research also said that I should be prepared to answer personal questions that I might think are inappropriate, and to be vague but polite.

When Lisa asked, "You will have more babies, yes?" I thought to myself "Hell to the no" but instead just laughed and and answered "I don't know...maybe?"
Monday, January 25, 2010

On Comments

There was an interesting discussion on Studio Thirty Plus the other day on blog comments. The question posed was about whether or not you, as a blogger, respond to comments and if so, how? Do you reply back in the comment thread? Email back? Something else?

I found it interesting that some people said they respond to comments within the actual comment thread itself. I've never thought to do this. I guess it's because of how I visit and comment on blogs. I leave comments but don't actually go back to check and see if they were responded to. I suppose I automatically assumed others operated this same way. Now I'm wondering if I've been doing it wrong.

Once upon a time, I had a different blog for two plus years, and received my fair share of comments on it. At the time, I read a lot of blogs and commented on a few fairly regularly. This was before blogging became hugely ridiculously popular, so there really wasn't a Comment Code of Ethics. Also, I was probably just a selfish whorebag who thought everything I had to say was beyond interesting, so of course the masses would read and respond.

These days, if someone is kind enough to visit and leave a comment here, I return the favor by visiting and commenting on their blog. I actually like this method, because I find a lot of great blogs this way. Of course, I also comment on other blogs too, if I have something to say. If I read a blog and don't comment, most likely I have nothing interesting to say that day. But if it's a blog I read regularly, I'll most likely comment at some point.

Others still said they reply to comments directly via email. I've actually experienced this recently. I've read Cecily at Uppercase Woman for years, but also hadn't commented in many years. Cecily has what I consider to be a huge audience and yet, I've commented on her blog twice in the last couple of weeks and both times, she responded back to me directly, via email. It was almost like getting an email from the President. Or maybe the First Lady. Or Whitney Houston. Oh wait, that bitch never writes anyone back (Check out my 100 things list if you are dying to figure out what I mean by that, #79 to be exact).

Anyway, I thought it was pretty classy for someone with such a wide readership to take the time to respond individually. Nonetheless, I'll probably keep on keeping on just as I have been, but I'm interested in the thoughts of others on this subject (all 9 of you who read this thing, anyway).

So, if you have a blog, how do you handle comments? Do you appreciate reciprocal comments or individual responses to the comments you leave? Along the same lines, if you read blogs and don't comment, why is that?
Friday, January 22, 2010

Random Friday Thoughts

1. People constantly amaze me with their aptitude for laziness. Example: The elevators in my office building break ALL. THE. TIME. The last time one broke down, it actually fell a couple of floors with someone inside. Luckily they weren't hurt, but the fire department had to come, there was a crowd gathered, it was all very dramatic. The elevators were out of commission completely for several days after that and I decided that since I rather like being an able-bodied individual, I'd be just fine taking the stairs every day. Our building is only five floors, so this it totally doable. I've heard tell that since the "incident" the elevators make a terrible clicking noise and shudder and hesitate when reaching a floor. I find it fascinating that some people still voluntarily board the Elevators 'O Certain Death on a daily basis. When I walked past the elevator bank this morning, some guy was holding the door for me. 'You sure?' he asked, when I said I was taking the stairs. Yep, I'm sure.

2. I've felt all day like I have a sneeze stuck that won't come out. Except, I've sneezed about a thousand times and I still have the stuck sneezeness going on. Is annoying, in case you were wondering.

3. Violet is going out of town with a friend tonight, for the first time ever, for THREE WHOLE NIGHTS. I'm a little freaked out. May need to drink heavily this weekend. Not that that's out of the ordinary or anything.

4. Serioulsy, what is with people? One of my employees resigned and today was her last day. So of course, she left at lunch time to get a sandwich and never came back. It must have been a really good sandwich. Loser.

5. Why am I again not looking forward to this weekend? Oh, that's right. Another all weekend soccer tournament. For the second weekend in a row. Excellent.

Lovely weekend wishes to all!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010

She Is Definitely Her Mother's Daughter

Oh, Lily. That kid kills me. She has such a spirit and I love that but man, she tries me sometimes.


Scene: Lily has just done something mean to Violet for the 100th time.

Mother Chick: "Hey! Go to your room."

Lily: "I wanted to go there anyway, see you later." Happily skips off to bedroom.



Scene: Lily has just done something mean to Violet for the 1000th time.

Mother Chick: "Hey! Give me your DS for that."

Lily: "Here, I was done playing anyway." Hands over DS without batting an eye.


See what I mean?

What's that saying? What doesn't kill me makes me stronger? I think it's more like "What doesn't kill me still makes we want to drink a lot of wine."

Yep, that's definitely it.
Friday, January 15, 2010

Random Friday Thoughts

1. Does it make me a bad person because I’m secretly (well, maybe not that secretly) happy that Violet made first cuts for the school soccer team and Ringleader from the infamous Mean Girl Incident did not? Granted, I don’t really care if it makes me a bad person as it’s simple, really. Mess with my kid, and I will want to rip your face off. I won’t actually rip your face off, but I will be happy that karma is in fact, a beyotch (like Ringleader!), and you got what you deserve. Which in this case, I am. Happy, that is.

2. Why is Smart Food White Cheddar popcorn so darn tasty? Mmm, popcorn…nom nom nom.

3. Why do my dog’s feet always smell like Fritos? Not that I sniff her feet on a regular basis, but she’s jabbed a paw in my face a time or two when she would like some attention (yes, she’s a spoiled brat) and it never fails, Eau de Frito-Lay.

4. I wonder if it’s a bad thing that on January 15th, I’m drinking a can of Diet Coke that’s advertising Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios. Stupid vending machine guy and his stupid old soda. Can you get old soda poisoning? I guess we’ll find out, because I didn’t notice until the can was empty. If you don’t hear from me after this, it’s because I died of old soda poisoning. At least there is now record of it on the internets, so my family can file a big lawsuit. I feel faint…

5. How is it possible to not be that glad that it’s the weekend? Oh, right, an all weekend soccer tournament will do it every time. Games start at 6:00 PM tonight all the way through Sunday. Good times.

Lovely weekend wishes to all!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

I'm not what you would call a neighborly person. I know the names of the neighbors on either side of my house, and I'll wave if I see you outside, but that's pretty much the beginning and end of any effort I make. I'm not unfriendly, I just don't go out of my way to befriend people based on their proximity to my abode.

My husband is much better at the whole neighbor thing than I am. He'll come inside and say random things like "Bill and Cheryl are going on vacation next week," to which I'll reply "Who the hell are Bill and Cheryl?" and he'll remind me that "Hello! Bill and Cheryl live in the house directly behind ours." And I'll promptly forget because I don't really care, until the next time he cares to share tidbits on The Life and Times of Bill and Cheryl.

I have this one neighbor though, that I see quite often. We'll call this neighbor Mr. Little, because he stands about 5 1/2 feet tall and probably weighs 100 lbs soaking wet. He is a lithesome slip of a man. Wow, there are eight words I never thought I'd string together in a sentence, but I digress. Mr. Little is the neighbor I see most often because he is ALWAYS outside. He works in his yard and cuts his grass, Every. Single. Day. Even in the winter.

He also has a really nice swimming pool that's actually more of a water feature. I say this because I've never seen anyone actually swim in said pool. Or float. Or doggy paddle. Or backstroke. Nothing. Ever. I really can't say why I find this so strange. For some reason, I find the need to randomly mention the fact that nobody ever swims in his pool to visitors to my house. It can make for pretty weird conversation. Example:

Random Guest: "Thanks for inviting us for dinner, it was really good."

Mother Chick: "You're welcome. Also, did you know my neighbor never swims in his pool? Isn't that weird?"

Anyway, moving on! Every time I see Mr. Little outside, he has on the the exact same outfit: A black and white flannel shirt, black jeans and black shoes with velcro straps. I sometimes wonder if he has the same outfit hanging on every hanger in his closet. He even wears this outfit in the summer, when the average temperature hovers in the high 90's with 100% humidity.

Recently though, I somehow found out that Mr. Little is a former Mr. Universe bodybuilder. Now, I really don't see how that's possible based on the Mr. Little I see every day. Mr. Little is short and tiny, he is twee! Remember, 5 1/2 feet tall and 100 lbs soaking wet! Not that he'd know anything about being soaking wet, since he never swims in his pool. (That is just weird. Clearly, I can't get over it.)

Now, I started this post by saying that I am not very big on active participation in the neighborhood and all things neighborly. BUT! I can't help thinking that it would make things more interesting around here if he should one day decide to mow his grass in one of his old Mr. Universe Speedos.

I'm just saying.
Friday, January 8, 2010

Mother Chick Chat - a.k.a. All About Me

In a getting to know you type move, here are 100 completely random (and probably not that interesting) facts about me:

1. I am married to my high school sweetheart.

2. He’s a cop. A sheriff’s deputy. Well, a detective, actually.

3. I once said that I would never be with anyone who a) was a cop or b) owned a motorcycle.

4. My cop husband loves his motorcycle.

5. I once said that I would never have any children.

6. I have two children.

7. Clearly, I say a lot of dumb things.

8. My favorite color is pink. I find this slightly cheesy as I get older, but I like it anyway.

9. I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Cross me and you are dead to me, end of story.

10. I realize this is not one of my most redeeming qualities, but I don’t care enough to change.

11. Because of #9, there are whole branches of my family tree that I never speak to.

12. One of those branches is my dad. I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year and have no plans to do so any time soon.

13. I hate gossip. Before engaging in gossip with or about me, refer to number 9 on this list.

14. I can raise one eyebrow without the other.

15. Only my left one though.

16. If I raise one eyebrow at you, it means I think you are either a) stupid or b) lying to me.

17. I once went two years without talking to my sister. We weren’t mad at each other or anything though.

18. Now I talk to my sister every day.

19. I was born 2 months premature and almost died at birth.

20. I was breech and the doctor didn’t know it.

21. A nurse saw my butt and said “I see the head!” Personally, I don’t think my butt looks anything like my head.

22. My poor mother had to deliver me breech with forceps and no drugs. I probably still owe her for that one.

23. I almost died because my head got stuck. Once the doctor finally delivered me, he lifted me too high and all my blood rushed back down the umbilical cord to my mother, so I had to have a blood transfusion.

24. Everything turned out fine, because I am clearly a) fabulous and b) brilliant.

25. I never leave the house without having my toenails painted.

26. I hate clowns. They are freaky little bastards.

27. I am a very skeptical, ‘believe it when I see it’ kind of person.

28. I read constantly and have since I was little. I like most every genre, except maybe science fiction.

29. I heart my library card. I am a nerd like that.

30. Although I like to be social, I also appreciate alone time and when I don’t get it, I get cranky.

31. Some day, I would like to write a book. A novel, I think.

32. I once tried to teach myself how to knit but I had the yarn wound so tight that I broke the needles. I am clearly too uptight for knitting.

33. I truly believe that karma is a mean bitch.

34. I rarely watch TV.

35. I do like the Food Network though, because I like to cook.

36. I like to take recipes and adapt them to a healthier version.

37. I am also a fan of throwing a bunch of ingredients together and seeing what happens.

38. My family doesn’t always like my “experiments,” but they humor me anyway.

39. I also like to run, for fun. This is a foreign concept to many people.

40. I’ve run a few 5K road races, and would like to complete a half marathon in 2010. I’m not sure I’ll ever work my way up to a marathon. We’ll see.

41. A couple of years ago, I ran so much, my two big toenails fell off. It was gross.

42. I’m really vain about my feet so I glued on fake toenails (yes, they make fake toenails) until they grew back. My friends and family found this really funny. I did not.

43. I got better running shoes and my toenails don’t fall off anymore.

44. I really like to travel but I hate flying on airplanes. I’ll do it, but I hate it.

45. Places I most want to travel to are: Italy, Greece and Alaska, in that order.

46. My least favorite place I’ve been so far: Los Angeles. That place sucked. If you love it there, more power to ya. Just not my kind of town. Not to mention, LAX is a shit hole of an airport. The mountains, or hills, or whatever they are, were pretty though.

47. I am seriously addicted to Diet Coke. It’s my one vice though, so I don’t sweat it.

48. Speaking of sweat, I rarely perspire, even when exercising. This is weird, but handy, living in the South and all.

49. I had another blog before this one, from 2004-2006. I had a fair amount of readers and I’m kind of irritated that I let it go, as it chronicled a lot of important events in my life during that time, like the death of my mother-in-law from cancer.

50. It amazes me how much more aware you become of your mortality as you get older. I used to be a lot more fearless.

51. I also hate watching others around me get older. It bothers me to watch my mother age and know that she won’t be here forever.

52. I also find that I question more now that I’m older, rather than accepting things at face value or going with the flow.

53. This can make things more difficult, but also more interesting.

54. I’m a pop culture junkie. Celebrities kind of irritate me though. Most of them, anyway.

55. I’m also a trivia nerd. I have the most random facts floating around in my head. I can whip some ass at Trivial Pursuit.

56. When I was in the first grade, I refused to wear anything but skirts to school. Now I hate getting dressed up. Luckily, I work in a casual office.

57. It amazes me that my two children have polar opposite personalities to one another, and that they are also so different from me.

58. I can go eat in a restaurant or go to the movies by myself, it doesn’t bother me.

59. I love to go to the movies at the theater, but rarely watch movies at home. I cancelled our Netflix account because we never used it.

60. Both of my girls play soccer. I never thought I would be a soccer mom, but I love it.

61. I am a very competitive person.

62. This is interesting, because I never played competitive sports in school. I was a cheerleader and gymnast.

63. I am actually a pretty shy person when I’m around people I don’t know.

64. Some people mistake this and think I’m a snob, but I’m really not.

65. This is one personality trait I am working on changing.

66. I’m a fairly impatient person. I’m all about instant gratification.

67. I think it’s funny when people fall down. Well, as long as they’re not seriously hurt.

68. You know how people say to enjoy your kids while they’re small because it goes by too quickly? Now that my kids are older, I’ve realized that it’s really true. I’m holding on to these last days of their childhood with both hands, but they are still slipping away little by little.

69. I hate loud noises. They actually make me mad. The sound of a loud motorcycle infuriates me.

70. My maiden name is really uncommon. Anyone with that last name is usually my relative. It never exists in those books or on websites where you can trace your genealogy. We may have just grown from pods.

71. When I get angry, I clean my house. It makes me feel better.

72. I can’t stand clutter. Sometimes this is a problem because I throw things away, and then think of uses for them after they’re already gone.

73. I like to sit in the sun, even though I know it’s bad for me.

74. I have two small tattoos and would like to have both of them removed. Since they are mostly hidden, I may not ever get around to it.

75. My favorite food is mashed potatoes; I could eat them every day. I don’t actually eat them very often though. I did eat them nearly every day when I was pregnant.

76. When I was pregnant with Lily, I had pre-term labor and was on bed rest for 5 months. Bed rest sucks.

77. I really like pens. All kinds of pens. Especially free pens.

78. My creative pursuits pretty much begin and end with writing. I am not artistic: I cannot draw, paint, sculpt scrapbook, etc. I would like to get more into photography though.

79. When I was in the third grade, I wrote a fan letter to Whitney Houston and asked her to send me an autographed picture. She never did. What a bitch.

80. I can’t think of anything that I’m allergic to. Stupid people, maybe?

81. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I once got lost in my own neighborhood. That was a fun time.

82. I’m an okay driver, except for when I run into stuff accidentally. Like mailboxes.

83. For some reason, every time I drive through an intersection, I have this irrational fear that someone is going to run a red light and t-bone my car. What’s that about?

84. I actually have a lot of irrational fears. I just stuff them in a box and don’t look at them very often.

85. I love to shop, but always look for sale items. It pains me to pay full price for things. Ann Taylor Loft has the most kick ass sales around.

86. The one thing I don’t skimp on is makeup. Bare Escentuals is the bomb diggity. It is never on sale but is like gold in little plastic pots.

87. I have a fondness for 80s teen movies. In my book, “The Breakfast Club” is one fine piece of cinema.

88. I am always freezing.

89. I think the worst show on TV is that “Real Housewives” crap on Bravo – those are some annoying bitches.

90. When it comes to real life, I don’t cry very often. I can, however, get all teary over commercials and TV shows and movies. I get that this doesn’t make sense.

91. My favorite movie of all time is probably “Titanic.” That one gets me every time.

92. I cannot stand garlic breath. Seriously, ew.

93. I think the beach is the most relaxing place in the world. I would live there if I could. But who the hell has that kind of money?

94. I dislike pretentious people. A lot.

95. I don’t like people looking at me or being the center of attention, it makes me uncomfortable.

96. I don’t think I’ve ever met a famous person, that I can think of. I once saw Hulk Hogan at the airport. He’s tall.

97. I am an extreme perfectionist. This is an annoying habit.

98. I get compliments all the time on the perfume that I wear. It’s from Target and costs $13.99.

99. I wonder, every day, whether I’m doing a good job raising my girls.

100. I hope, every day, that I’m doing a good job raising my girls. They are my greatest thing.
Thursday, January 7, 2010

Real Life Mean Girls

This afternoon, Mr. Chick called me at work to say that he had just talked to Violet and she was really upset because a couple of girls at school started a rumor that she was a lesbian and kids were laughing at her. Commence Mother Chick effectively losing her shit, because this is not the first time that we've had trouble with these bitches girls. A few months ago, they would not stop leaving messages and texting rude things to Violet and calling her cell phone at all hours of the day and night. At that time, I called the ringleader's mother and I thought we resolved the situation. Apparently not.

I'm also irritated that this all happened today at school, the guidance counselor was involved because Violet went to him, and yet I never received a phone call from anyone in charge at school. What's that about? I left a voicemail for the counselor to call me tomorrow because I want to know what was done about what happened today, and what happens if something similar happens again with the same girls.

I will say, I talked to Violet this evening and think I am satisfied with how the counselor handled the situation, but I still want to talk to him directly to make sure we are on the same page and I handle it appropriately at home. I will not tolerate any more bullying and want to make my position clear.

Luckily, Violet seems to have come out the other side of this episode relatively unscathed. We talked about how she did the right thing going to the guidance counselor and some other things she can do if something like this happens again. She is officially a rock star and I am so proud of her.

Mean middle school girls suck. Bitches.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The One With The List

Last year, my New Year's resolution was to not say so many swear words. Holy shit, did that not work out!

This year, however, I'm going with some things that I think are a bit more attainable and should ultimately lead to a more pleasant existence for more people than just me:

1. I will have more patience with my children. I'm going to try. Really. I mean it.

2. I will be more charitable, and not just by donating money. I will try to teach my children to be charitable as well.

3. I will relax and enjoy life more. I'm going to try. Really. I mean it.

4. I will make a list of things I want to accomplish this year and I will actually accomplish those things. (First thing on the list - Make a list.)

5. I will do more things to save money this year, and actually save money, not just spend more.

Let's hope I do better this year than last, dammit!
Monday, January 4, 2010

A Night At The 5th Grade Museum

Last school year, Violet talked quite frequently about a girl we'll call "Summer", who was the coolest girl in the 5th grade. Summer wouldn't talk to Violet, because she was apparently not cool enough to be Summer's friend, and Violet didn't understand why. Thus was the first in a long line of lessons for Violet entitled "Lo People, They Doth Suck."

When I inquired as to what it was that made Summer so great, Violet thought it had something to do with her pretty hair and the shirts she wore under her school uniform. Seems like a scant few reasons, but far be it from me to question the 5th grade cool-o-meter. I happen to think it had something to do with the fact that Summer's mother let her wear thong underwear, which is just wrong on more levels than I can count, but I digress.

One night, the school hosted a history program based on "Night at the Museum" where every 5th grader dressed up as a different historical figure and gave a spiel about that person when you walked up and pushed a button taped to their hand. Violet was Samuel de Champlain, who was an explorer and apparently pretty boring, because the only thing I remember is that he died on Christmas Day.

After listening to Violet, I walked around the 5th grade classrooms hearing about other explorers, some presidents, some Native Americans and other random figures, like Daniel Boone. For some reason, I just thought that one was a strange choice, but I bet the kid picked it because he got to bring one of those guns that has a cork in the end that pops out when you pull the trigger.

After Daniel told me all about his trials and tribulations as a hunter in the American frontier, I moved over to Summer. I wasn't quite sure who her historical figure was supposed to be. She was wearing a pink prom dress type thing and had big hot rollery Farrah Fawcetty curls in her hair. "This oughta be good," I thought, as I pushed the button on her hand.

Turns out, Summer was Clara Barton, a pioneer woman and nurse. "Clara" regaled me with tales of her achievements as a humanitarian and battlefield nurse during the Civil War, and told me all about how she organized the American Red Cross. When she finished her speech, I said "Good job" and walked away, while thinking to myself "I highly doubt she did any of those things in a pink prom dress, dumbass."

I'm just saying.

Sick Day, Dad Style

Not long ago, the school clinic assistant called my cell phone while I sat in my office, shuffling papers or completing some other equally important task. I wasn't surprised, as I'd been nursing Lily through an ear infection for a few days, which had culminated in a fun-filled holiday weekend visit to the urgent care center.

Evidently the antibiotics and eardrops we had procured hadn't quite kicked in yet, and she was in the clinic complaining that her ear hurt. The nurse requested that someone appear with pain reliever, posthaste. You can't just sign a note giving the school permission to give your kid drugs when it seems like it might be necessary, you have to bring the stuff to school and personally hand it to your child. I am in complete agreement with this rule, by the way, as I would rather not have some random clinic assistant dosing up my child without my knowledge. It is, however, rather inconvenient when there are important papers to shuffle at one's job.

Since I was buried under all the paper shuffling, my lovely husband was going to have to make the trip to school. I knew that this was going to create a hardship for him, as I had spoken to him less than 30 minutes before the school called, and he had been on his way to play golf. I dialed his cell and explained the dilemma. While somewhat put out, since he'd been this close to teeing off, he agreed to make the trip and dispense the stuff as requested.

By the time I called him back to check in, about an hour later, he had gone to the school and was already back on the golf course. When I inquired on how things went at the clinic, he hesitated. Suddenly, I heard what sounded like Lily's voice in the background.

"Is that Lily?" I asked.

"Yeah, the school made me take her with me because her temperature was 99.2 when I got to the clinic," he answered.

"You have our sick child out playing golf?"

"No, she's just riding on the golf cart."

"So, you have our child, who was sent home sick from school, riding along on the cart while you play golf?"

"What? I gave her some Motrin."

I'm sure this would have seemed like a completely rational line of thinking if I also had a Y chromosome, right?