Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

I'm not what you would call a neighborly person. I know the names of the neighbors on either side of my house, and I'll wave if I see you outside, but that's pretty much the beginning and end of any effort I make. I'm not unfriendly, I just don't go out of my way to befriend people based on their proximity to my abode.

My husband is much better at the whole neighbor thing than I am. He'll come inside and say random things like "Bill and Cheryl are going on vacation next week," to which I'll reply "Who the hell are Bill and Cheryl?" and he'll remind me that "Hello! Bill and Cheryl live in the house directly behind ours." And I'll promptly forget because I don't really care, until the next time he cares to share tidbits on The Life and Times of Bill and Cheryl.

I have this one neighbor though, that I see quite often. We'll call this neighbor Mr. Little, because he stands about 5 1/2 feet tall and probably weighs 100 lbs soaking wet. He is a lithesome slip of a man. Wow, there are eight words I never thought I'd string together in a sentence, but I digress. Mr. Little is the neighbor I see most often because he is ALWAYS outside. He works in his yard and cuts his grass, Every. Single. Day. Even in the winter.

He also has a really nice swimming pool that's actually more of a water feature. I say this because I've never seen anyone actually swim in said pool. Or float. Or doggy paddle. Or backstroke. Nothing. Ever. I really can't say why I find this so strange. For some reason, I find the need to randomly mention the fact that nobody ever swims in his pool to visitors to my house. It can make for pretty weird conversation. Example:

Random Guest: "Thanks for inviting us for dinner, it was really good."

Mother Chick: "You're welcome. Also, did you know my neighbor never swims in his pool? Isn't that weird?"

Anyway, moving on! Every time I see Mr. Little outside, he has on the the exact same outfit: A black and white flannel shirt, black jeans and black shoes with velcro straps. I sometimes wonder if he has the same outfit hanging on every hanger in his closet. He even wears this outfit in the summer, when the average temperature hovers in the high 90's with 100% humidity.

Recently though, I somehow found out that Mr. Little is a former Mr. Universe bodybuilder. Now, I really don't see how that's possible based on the Mr. Little I see every day. Mr. Little is short and tiny, he is twee! Remember, 5 1/2 feet tall and 100 lbs soaking wet! Not that he'd know anything about being soaking wet, since he never swims in his pool. (That is just weird. Clearly, I can't get over it.)

Now, I started this post by saying that I am not very big on active participation in the neighborhood and all things neighborly. BUT! I can't help thinking that it would make things more interesting around here if he should one day decide to mow his grass in one of his old Mr. Universe Speedos.

I'm just saying.


  1. You are a riot! thanks for following my tweets, which are extremely unexciting, just so you know and I am now stalking you. And I say stalk, because when I run into a gal that makes me laugh with her sarcasm and humor, I know they have to be my friend..whether they want to or not!

  2. I think if Mr. Little did yard work in a Speedo, it counts as a get-out-of-jail-free card for doing anything crazy, for the rest of your life. Imagine your dinner conversations: not only would you have to talk about the fact that he doesn't use his pool, he also walks around in teeny swim trunks? Strange.

    Anywho, just dropping by from SITS! (I lost my place and decided to work my way up from the bottom! hehe)

  3. OMG, Are you the person who lives on the other side of my next door neighbors house? LOL. I can't believe how much you just described my next door neighbor. The pool that NEVER has been used the entire time I've lived here. The lawn mowing regularly. Holy crap.

    And if you are the person that lives on the other side of my next door neighbor, sorry I've never once bothered to talk or wave to you. Ever. I don't care either. LMFAO!

  4. Lee sent me over. I think I'd be tempted to sneak into the neighbor's pool late at night... after all, no sense letting a good pool go to waste! Look forward to reading more.

  5. Lee sent me over and you know, when the Queen speaks....welll.....we all like to take shots so if this comment starts getting really weird or you can no longer make sense of what I'm typing then you'll know I'm three shits to the wind. (yes, I did that on purpose).

    I happen to love this post...mostly because I can relate to both sides. I don't give a hootnhhollar what my neighbors are doing much less what their names are. Lived here 8 years and still don't know anyone....

  6. Came here from Lee as well, and glad I did! I'm now following you.

    I'm definitely not the neighborly sort either. I do the smile and wave. I kind of agree that it's BS that I have to be friends with someone just b/c they live next door. My neighbors are freaks.

  7. Well, that Hot Flash Queen knows what she's talking about. You are goooood, girlfriend. Funny, clever, and you can actually string words together properly spelled with punctuation and everything. Hot damn! I'll be back.

  8. That is so rude. I can't believe you're talking about me like that!

    Scare ya? No? Shoot. I was really trying to make an impression for my first comment here. You made one on me. And I do think it would behoove you to mow your neighbor's yard, in HIS speedo.

  9. Did you pay Lee for the promotion? If so, how much?
    I totally feel you on the neighbors. I have a couple I love but wouldn't give two cents to see inside the homes of the others.
    Wouldn't throw you for a loop if Mr. Little wasn't so "little" in his speedo?

  10. When we moved into this house the neighbors brought us wine, cookies and a gift certificate to the restaurant they owned...I was in love. I keep thinking I want to do a neighborhood BBQ (we've lived here for 5 years and I still have I guess I don't real need to feel that connection. Now if they mowed lawns in speedos...I amight be enticed.
    Holly @ 504 Main

  11. My hubs is the same as yours and I am you...he's always like.."hey I was just talking to so ans so"...yeah So...and he even takes it to other neighborhoods and communities....hes so like ..the Mayor..or something...The only time Im interested is if it includes police, porn or good trash..yes, one neighbors trash is another's treasure....LOL..Have a Great Day..!

  12. Agreed. I would not be unhappy if we had a 10 ft. wall around our yard. But then my hubs is the happy, chatty sort.
    I might have you beat on weird neighbors. Neighbors on one side make their kids wear helmets to go out on their patio.

  13. just never know someone by their outward appearance! Sounds like a funny little man though! I'm a new follower!

  14. visiting over from lee's place. well, i too am not overly friendly with my neighbors. i don't know ANY of their names, but that's b/c our lot is like an acre and i can get away with ignoring them since i can squish their heads w/ my fingers, like THAT far away.

    bUT i think maybe you should just swim in mr little's pool one day and maybe even pee in it and see what that stirs up

  15. Found you in my travels today.. seems we have a lot of the same followers. Odd I've never stumbled on you before!!!!
    Well, now that we've got that all fixed up,
    I just want to say what a great blog.

    This was a great post. Crackin' me up with the "twee" neighbour.
    Too funny.

    I love your blog ~ looking forward to following along :)

  16. FYI...Mr. Little is my ex-husband.....*crickets*

    Oh hell, I'm kidding you....I just stopped by from....oh hell, I don't even know!! I should keep tabs on that to give the right person credit...anywhoo....this was hilarious. Why don't you go take a dip in his pool?? Would he mind??

  17. You're hysterical. Loved it! So glad Lee refered me. Following you now!

  18. You're a hoot! Loved your story! Can't wait to read more of your posts and check out your blog.........stopping by from the "Lady Bloggers"..........and I'm sure I'll be stopping by again!


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