Monday, January 4, 2010

A Night At The 5th Grade Museum

Last school year, Violet talked quite frequently about a girl we'll call "Summer", who was the coolest girl in the 5th grade. Summer wouldn't talk to Violet, because she was apparently not cool enough to be Summer's friend, and Violet didn't understand why. Thus was the first in a long line of lessons for Violet entitled "Lo People, They Doth Suck."

When I inquired as to what it was that made Summer so great, Violet thought it had something to do with her pretty hair and the shirts she wore under her school uniform. Seems like a scant few reasons, but far be it from me to question the 5th grade cool-o-meter. I happen to think it had something to do with the fact that Summer's mother let her wear thong underwear, which is just wrong on more levels than I can count, but I digress.

One night, the school hosted a history program based on "Night at the Museum" where every 5th grader dressed up as a different historical figure and gave a spiel about that person when you walked up and pushed a button taped to their hand. Violet was Samuel de Champlain, who was an explorer and apparently pretty boring, because the only thing I remember is that he died on Christmas Day.

After listening to Violet, I walked around the 5th grade classrooms hearing about other explorers, some presidents, some Native Americans and other random figures, like Daniel Boone. For some reason, I just thought that one was a strange choice, but I bet the kid picked it because he got to bring one of those guns that has a cork in the end that pops out when you pull the trigger.

After Daniel told me all about his trials and tribulations as a hunter in the American frontier, I moved over to Summer. I wasn't quite sure who her historical figure was supposed to be. She was wearing a pink prom dress type thing and had big hot rollery Farrah Fawcetty curls in her hair. "This oughta be good," I thought, as I pushed the button on her hand.

Turns out, Summer was Clara Barton, a pioneer woman and nurse. "Clara" regaled me with tales of her achievements as a humanitarian and battlefield nurse during the Civil War, and told me all about how she organized the American Red Cross. When she finished her speech, I said "Good job" and walked away, while thinking to myself "I highly doubt she did any of those things in a pink prom dress, dumbass."

I'm just saying.


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