Where the Hell is My Stress Ball?

Due to various recent events, I've been dealing with my fair share of stress as of late. I'm a pretty intense person, and when I get stressed, I get bitchy. The other day, Mr. Chick did something that pissed me off and I actually envisaged putting him in a headlock. I've also developed a new habit of calling every other driver on the road who irritates me a fucking fuckbag fuckstick (I'm nothing if not eloquent, no?). As charming as all of these lovely habits are, I figured that maybe it's time to try some stress relief techniques.

The first problem there is that I don't actually know any stress relief techniques. So of course, I decided to do what any self-respecting blogger/social media maven would do. I Googled it. Many of the "techniques" I found seemed to be things that would be fairly simple to do...unless you're me.

Here's a run-down of some of the stress relieving tips I came across in my research:

1 - Breathing exercises: Well, hmm. I'm probably the only person in the world to ever totally fail Lamaze class. When I was pregnant with Violet, I waddled in to class with my pillow and laid around with the other beached whales, but absolutely refused to do the patented "hee hee hoo" breathing. (It was kind of like the time I failed Biology because I refused to dissect a fetal pig because ew, that's just gross.) Actually, Violet was born three weeks early so I never actually finished the class. I guess that makes me more of a Lamaze drop out. Then, thanks to five months of bed rest while pregnant with Lily, I again found myself in labor (without any drugs or epidurals thankyouverymuch), with nary a breathing skill to be found. So, I came up with my own system of breathing that involved breathing in and blowing out fast and long. This plan resulted in my face going totally numb so yeah, that was a fun time. Clearly, I won't be taking up the breathing exercises any time soon. Next!

2 - Play with a pet: You guys. My dog is the LAZIEST dog in America, and possibly the world. Her hobbies consist of lounging on her bed, lounging on the the couch and if she's feeling up to it, lounging on the chair. One time I got all ambitious and took her for a walk and about 1/4 mile into the "walk" she laid down in the middle of the street and refused to go any further. I had to pick the little jerk up and carry her home. Not long ago, she ate a chicken wing bone and when we Googled to find a list of bad symptoms we should look for, it said to call the vet if the dog becomes listless and lethargic. Mr. Chick and I just looked at each other and laughed since she spends her entire life both listless and lethargic. (Well, not unless you count the times when she humps her boyfriend Clifford, a stuffed big red dog that's as big as she is. She thinks he is H-A-W-T.) Anyway, this dog does not "play". Next!

3 - Yoga: The other day, my mom gave me a 20 minute stress relief yoga video. I've never really been much of a yoga fan, but I decided to give it a whirl anyway. I then spent the next twenty minutes trying like hell to rub out the charley horse that I got as a result of a stupid downward dog, which doesn't look anything like a dog. I'm thinking the only way that damn video is going to provide any stress relief is if it includes vodka shots during the cool down. Next!

4 - Crying: Several of the sites I found had entire sections devoted to the cleansing qualities of a good cry. Whatever, I don't cry for fun. Next!

5 - Stress relief games: I came across this site, http://www.businessballs.com/ (Dear Businessballs.com: Your name is stupid. Love, Mother Chick) that one would think has something to do with making or selling balls. But nope, they don't. They publish a stress relief website. Anyway, one section of their site is devoted to a "stress relieving" computer game. The object of said game is to shoot happy faces with a paintball gun. This might not seem so bad until you really think about it. First of all, why does a stress relief game involve any kind of weapon, let alone a gun? And why is the game set in an office building, where guns clearly do not belong like, ever? The best part is that when you inevitably lose because the game itself sucks ass and the happy faces disappear before you can aim at them, a message pops up that says "Oh dear, you didn't shoot well enough for the next round!" Man, I love a good old passive aggressive stress reliever, especially when it basically calls me a loser at the end. Next!

Feel free though, to use any of these totally shitty super helpful tips the next time you feel compelled to put someone in a headlock or call them a fucking fuckbag fuckstick. I've resorted to making frequent visits to my happy place, which is on my couch with a glass of wine. But only when I can get the dog to move, of course.

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